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You may have many reasons in your mind about why your relationship has failed. Understanding the real reasons will help you to unravel the path to a successful relationship for you in the future.
Life without your 'other half' can quite literally tear you apart, even in a relationship that seems to have been dying for years. Every new break cuts even deeper - the first day living on your own, when the divorce papers arrive, the day you find out he has found someone else.... There seems to be no final resolution until the divorce itself is finalized. Then there is the slow fading of feeling over time - that difficult first phone call, the first year anniversary and the slow transition of lost love into friendship or a complete flat-line. All these events are like hooks dragging you back into the past and the old feelings.
It makes it extremely difficult to detach and move forward with creating your new life. The important thing is to recognize that even when you feel you are back at square one, you are indeed healing and moving forward. It is happening naturally whether you are aware of it or not. You are getting stronger, more capable, and you are growing. Growth requires breaking out of our cocoons, regardless of how comfortable they may be. The initial effort required to break down the walls you put up to protect yourself will be richly rewarded when you are flying free in the sunshine.
A good diagnosis means finding a cure
"Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it." Mary Kay Blakely
As you move forward day by day, it can be hard to continue on as you used to - often people feel bitter or unmotivated and sometimes even depressed. This is because your old vision and beliefs have been crushed. There is no use in pretending that this hasn't occurred, because it has. Divorce is not just about a shattering end, but just like an illness, it is the result of many unhealthy factors that eventually take their toll on the life of the relationship. It is easy to simply blame 'the other woman' who stole him away, or the pressures of children, money, drink, addictions, childhood demons etc. However the one thing all these various reasons have in common is that they are nothing to do with you and therefore there is nothing you can do about it! "What does it matter?", I hear you say, "He is already gone". Well in my opinion, it matters a lot. Because if you don't recognize the toxic behaviours that creep into relationships, then history has a way of repeating itself and these ugly demons will resurface in a new relationship in the future.
6 Top Reasons he gives for a Divorce:
Please realize that I am not talking about blame here. If your relationship has ended in divorce, there are many reasons for this and obviously that is what is meant to be for you and for your ex. Acknowledging blocks in the way you relate or negative patterns does not mean the divorce is your fault. No. Relationships rely on the interaction between both parties. However now that you face your future as a single, independent person, you can look at these patterns for yourself and identify which ones were present in your relationship (if any). This awareness will help you in your future relationships to ensure that your new relationships do not develop these handicaps.
"The spark has gone".
I think everyone (except the most naive of people) understand that the feelings in a marriage will change over time. It is unreasonable to expect that the same hot passion and excitement that characterizes the beginning of a love affair will continue with the same intensity and manner, year after year. However this does not mean lovers should become complacent, assuming that 'this is what happens, I have to just accept it'. When a relationship loses its spontaneity and there is too much routine and habit, it can become draining and boring. All marriages, like bountiful gardens, need care, attention and the planting of new seeds to keep them fresh and growing.
"You take me for granted", "You don't put enough effort into the marriage", "I'm just a meal ticket".
All these come under the heading of ‘unfulfilled needs'. A relationship will swing out of balance when one person (or both parties) stop responding to one another's needs. This can happen simply through the routine of living together year after year. You stop seeing the other person, how they are feeling, what is happening in their life. It is too easy to assume you know how your partner feels, without actually checking in with them. This can build up into resentment on the other person's part, which can lead them to take 'revenge'. For example, finding someone else to punish you.
"We don't talk anymore", "All we do is argue", "I can't talk to you" etc.
Lack of communication - not asking one another how you feel, clearing the air, finding out what is going on inside the other person, is the underlying issue behind most, if not all, divorces. Communication is extremely powerful - like the air we breathe it can unite us with one another, or it can be polluted and distorted with our own fears and emotions.
"I am not in love with you anymore."
This is an oldie but a goodie - by far the most common reason I hear in my work as a psychic for why a lover leaves his or her partner. Not being 'in love anymore' or its twin sister: "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Translation: You're not being available to one another, nor creating space and time to be together.
"I don't feel you love me"; "You make me feel bad about myself."
Too often, criticism creeps into a relationship and takes over. Before you know it, unresolved emotional conflicts can keep resurfacing as 'nit-picking', 'nagging', or continual put-downs. Was anger dealt with in your relationship? Or did it linger on and on until you never felt satisfied with your ex's behaviour?
"I feel suffocated / trapped."
What patterns of co-dependency could be strangling the growth of your relationship? Co-dependency is a tricky situation because on the one hand, your ex could be giving you signals that he wants you to be dependent on him: staying at home all the time, finding that illnesses linger on longer than expected, becoming cut off from friends and a social life, losing interest in your hobbies. All these things could make your husband feel secure in the short-term but be toxic in the long term.
Stepping out of the past....
Your divorce may or may not have happened. If it hasn't, maybe there is still enough there to salvage your relationship; maybe there isn't. If it has, you are at the next stage of your life where you move forward in creating the masterpiece that is your destiny. Just like the skilled craftsman, know that with each mistake you make, you're improving your technique and clarifying your style so that in the end, you are a Michaelangleo! Remember - your life is about you, it is not about him. The important thing is that you continue painting the future that you want and perfecting your dreams!
Make some quiet time for yourself when you know you won't be interrupted for at least 20mins. Have a journal or notebook close at hand and any other symbolic pieces that help you to relax like a candle or crystal or nice meditative music.
Close your eyes and take three deep relaxing breaths. Go through all areas of your body, telling each part to relax, starting from your feet and going through to your head.
Then count backwards from 10. As you are counting imagine you are walking down some stairs towards a lit up doorway. As you reach the doorway you walk out into a new world. It is however you want to it to be. Spend some time looking at the doorway. Then you see a path. Follow the path. You know intuitively the path is leading you towards meeting someone. Take your time and notice everything along the path. Are they twist and turns, is t uphill and downhill, are their animals or people you meet along the way? Let yourself walk for a good while. And when you feel ready to do and wait for the person you are destined to meet.. When you meet him notice everything about him. And then say goodbye and return to the room.
It is important to write every detail of the visualization down when you have finished. And observe what you have written about your path to meeting someone new in your life
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