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A leopard never changes its spots, so the old saying goes, but how true is it when it comes to men in relationships? If he loves you enough can he change his old ways? Bede Nicholson explores the art of the possible and impossible in love and relationships.
Patricia has been in an on again, off again relationship with James for about three years. There was no doubt that there was a strong connection right from the start. The chemistry was fantastic, but making the relationship work was another question entirely. James has been a bachelor for almost 10 years before meeting Patricia. He had his own set routine and way of doing things. He didn't know how to compromise and became defensive whenever Patricia suggested she would like to spend more time with him. Patricia couldn't help feeling she was in a relationship with a guy who behaved like he was still single. He seemed happy enough when she played along, but the moment he felt he was being pushed for more, he either cut off or they got into a fight.
Patricia felt that if James loved her enough, then he would make the effort to change. Of course, when he failed to make any changes she couldn't help feeling unloved and insecure. She had tried every tactic in the book - threats, promises, cajoling, listening, talking, anger, breaking up and getting back together. But nothing seemed to work. Patricia started wondering whether James really did love her or whether she was just being used.
Many of us face similar dilemmas in our own relationships. We all know we have to accept our partner for all their faults and failings, but what happens when you feel your relationship leaves you unsatisfied, unfulfilled and insecure?
Stepping out of Judgement
When we feel hurt by someone else's behaviour, it is easy to judge that behaviour as bad or wrong. It is a kind of knee-jerk reaction that tells us that the situation isn't good and we need to do something about it. Yet, when we try to communicate our hurt feelings, there is a danger that we can end up making the other person feel judged. This inevitably leads to a defensive response, where the other person feels they have to justify themselves in order to defend their own value as a person. These kinds of defensive/attack modes of communication are generally unconstructive, and may make you feel better but don't generally achieve anything. When communicating the need for change in a relationship, it is crucial to avoid judgmental language.
Judgemental communication:
You never go out with me enough. You make me feel like I'm the bottom of your priority list.
Open communication:
I think it would be really great to spend more time together. I think it's really important that we make each other feel special in the relationship and sometimes I don't feel we do that enough.
Judgemental Communication:
You spend all your time with your friends and never any with me. Do you even care what I want?
Open Communication:
It would be great if we made some more mutual friends who we could do more stuff together with. I think we could have a really good time and you could feel less stressed about working out your social routine.
Part of the beauty of open communication is that it puts the ball squarely back in his court. You can still identify a problem but you aren't putting yourself in the position as the person always being negative and critical.
Love, Spontaneity and habit
One of the most common issues I take up with my clients is the feeling of being unloved in a relationship. In the case of someone like Patricia the sense of feeling insecure and unloved was the central problem in communication. Every time Patricia felt hurt by something James did, she would tell him that he didn't love her. In reality, Patricia was really just looking for some kind of positive reinforcement and affirmation, but James was increasingly becoming drained by a feeling of having to prop up Patricia's emotional security. James also used this as an excuse as to why he wouldn't spend more time with her. He felt unable to commit, because he didn't have the energy. You can see what a vicious circle this becomes.
In my readings with Patricia I helped her to understand that habit rather than love was the real issue. James was stuck in his selfish habits of bachelorhood. It wasn't really anything to do with love. Perhaps for a certain time chemistry and the newness of the relationship would hide the habit, but in the end, he would always be faced with the same issue whoever he was with. James was actually quite happy with Patricia but he wanted the relationship on his terms. As Patricia began to see this more clearly, she was able to communicate her feelings from a position of confidence and clarity. Her communication became less about what James needed to give her and more about what she wanted to create. Again, open communication put the ball back in his court.
One thing that is clear about the process of change in relationship is that change never happens when we are wanting it because we are feeling insecure, hurt, angry or feeling unloved. Change happens when both people in a partnership take responsibility for their feelings. Change happens when we empower our partner to ask questions and come up with solutions rather than simply placing emotional demands. Sometimes open communication doesn't always lead us to the answers we want, but it will always lead you to the place where you know where you stand and can make decisions that are best for you and for your partner.
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